See You Not

Hi Mitchell,
Thanks for planning such a wonderful day for me today. I really enjoyed it, especially the part where I was waiting for your call or text all day in my room like a fucking retard.
And congratulations, you just earned yourself the best asshole award. You know what, if everyone in Buffalo is like you, I’m going to hate Americans and I’d probably be back in Malaysia way earlier.
But I do meet some pretty nice Americans over the year and I love them very much. If any of my siblings or friends are coming to the US for studies, I’m going to ask them to watch out for people like you – fake, unreliable, hopeless and they take advantage of you.
I wanted to be your friend and I did all I can do as a friend. I don’t think it’s working so this is it Mitchell, you are out of my life. Have a great life and I wish you all the best. Hope to never see you again.

I Wish You Would Care

I'll probably won't have the chance to talk to you anymore. But just so you know, I do care for you. Because I care, I'm upset, I'm mad. I shouldn't be overreacting but I felt embarrassed. I felt a retard. I told you before and you know that I am at a very upset mood and you told me that I can rely on you when I need a friend or someone to whine about. But where were that night when I needed you. You might be asleep but after received like a 2 or 3 messages in your inbox from me, you did not even care to drop me a text in the morning? I waited all night and I really thought that you would send me a message checkin on me. I know you have class at 8 so you'd probably checked your phone by then already but why can;t you just simply drop a small tiny message for me to show that you at least care. But when Im home, you didn't even care, you didn't even bother asking. All you do is texting the orange bitch but you don't have a single minute to drop me a message? When I think about how much I would do that for you, and how you wouldn't, unlike what you have promised, that really upsets me. It go on to the extent that I could cry when I think about it. You have no idea how much that hurts me and sometimes when i really sit down and think about it, I don't even know whether the time and the gift that I spent for you are worth it or not. I love you, and I hope that you would treat me like how a friend should. You're an asshole. You make me feel like a retard, a moron. It feels like I'm talking to the wall. How does it feels if you're talking to a person passionately and all you get is silence and ignorance? Wouldn't that be upsetting? It really upsets me. Only when I thought I can call you a real brother.

Just Another Day in Suburbia

So this weekend didn't turn out to be as hectic as I thought but I know that the upcoming weeks are going to be terrible. I finished all my projects and assignments that are due this week so I don't have to worry about not finishing them on time. I really wanted to relax and have a good time this weekend so I guess it wasn't that bad at all. After editing my film on thursday, I got home, Zach and Austin were pissed drunk. Zach told me that I have to catch up but I think its pretty impossible, all the bottles were almost gone. So what's left for me.

So all I've got is orange juice with a little bit of alcohol, and that got me no where. All I did that night was sitting down on the counter, listening to how Austin adores me, and how Zach loves me. They both went on and on for almost an hour how much they love me, and I was harassed by them all night. They were having their manly arms around my shoulder, rubbing my head with their knuckles, hugging me nonstop, yea, that was pretty uncomfortable, even though for a half man like me. But yea, if they din't do that last night, I won't know how Austin felt about living with me for almost a year and half now. He always had my back, he always stood up for me, help me out with things that a foreigner can't handle in the states, etc and etc. Frankly speaking, Austin is the first person I met in the United States. The very first person I knew. We have no problem with each other and that is why until today, we're still living under the same roof.

Ok, here's the weird part. I know I shouldn't say this but I felt like an idiot. Like a total idiot. If this feelings gotten worse, I'm gonna kill myself. I don't know why, for some ridiculous reason, when Zach told me that he is going out with this girl that he met at the Chips house names Lauren, Laura? Lauree? Whatever her name is; I was subconsciously jealous. What the fuck?! I know~!! I am not supposed to feel this way. That is fucking weird. I was convinced that I love Zach as much as I love Austin, as much as I love Shafiq and YJ and I swear the person that I would give up my life completely for is Mitch. But Zach, I don't know why. From the day I knew he was texting with the bitch nonstop, I can't help but having incredibly green eyes. I swear I have no feelings for Zach and I only like him as a friend I swear. Thing is, I don't know why I'm feeling like this and I actually care about who is he seeing and tonight, he is going out with that bitch. Oh no, I don't know why am I calling her a bitch but I guess its just something I gotta let it out. I am trying my best not to feel this way, and I actually encourage Zach and give him confidence for tonight's game. Zach, I love you, and i will always do. You are my real friend, a friend who always be there for me whenever I need someone. I believe whatever feelings i'm having towards you are just a protective friend who doesn't want you to do the same wrong thing you did, and I actually let you down the last time. So i guess this is just whatever Im doing so that I won't let you down again, and stop you from doing something that's way out of your character. I love you Zach.. You're a good friend.. =)

Moving on, Mitchell, oh ya.. Its him again. How couldn't be less than any of his businesses but still, he is Mitchell. Mitchell James Ashcroft has it all. so yea, fml. He wanted to hang out today, but I got work till 7. If i know he wants to hang out in the afternoon, I would have not be at work and just stay home and hang out with him. He said he also don't mind hanging out tonight but I guess that's just a hear-say. I don't even think that he'll remember to call me today. I texted him about the basketball game tonight that I probably wanna go, but I haven't gotten any respond back from him yet. Maybe no yet, maybe just "yet-less." He probably forgot me already by now.

Why Mitch, why can't you just take me seriously for once? Just once? That's all I'm asking for. I would give you my kidney with your name printed on it if you asked. I am not asking you to do the same for me, but all im asking for is just treat me better like a friend does to others. It's simple and its not hard at all. Whenever when you're around, you are really nice to me and whenever you're not around, things feel so hard and uneasy between us. Let me tell you something, the only way we can make things better is to hang out and talk more. Communication is very important between us and tell me how many time we stopped talking to each other because of lack of communication between us. Work from there Mitch. Pls... That's all im asking for.. Or is that too much im asking for? I don't know.. I really don't know

This Year That Time

So that time has come. A period of time that I do not really like. Its November and I really dislike the weather. Day turns night at 4pm and I can hardly see the sunshine. Result of not having much sunlight, my good old friend that I met last night came back for a visit, his name is S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

I've been sleeping a lot lately and when the night falls, I can't sleep. This happens all the time. Not only I can't sleep, I have many things running through my head and it feels like my brain is flooded by unnecessary thoughts. There are so many things running through my head: friends back in Malaysia, my high school time, my future my career, food, college projects, what about my next semester, friends here, Mitchell (duh), work, MASA, and etc.. They come and go and when thoughts ran out, they will start all over again from the top, and my night goes on.

Yesterday I missed all my classes (like I don't do that often), but I went to work at least. I got a surprise visit =D Mitch was there and I actually skipped like half an hour of work just to hang out with him. Oh, I didn't know that time was just flowing away that fast whenever he is around. I swear the time we were hanging out by the computer was just 5 mins. But when I look at the time, it was half an hour later so I rushed back to work. Then, he came to my work place and we were hanging out till like 8 or 9pm. We were just talking about our weekends, and our plan to go chill sometime this week. Thing is, I always just listen to whatever he proposed because if I said "whatever, you always bailed out on me," then we'll have real tension right there. It happens all the time. Oh well, really, whatever.

But really, I love spending my time with Mitch. He brighten up my day and the pain just go away whenever I see him, or talk to him, or hanging out with him, or even just by texting each other. I slept at 4 am last night and I woke up 3 hours after that because I got class at 8am. Now its 5pm and Im still at work. I can't wait to get outta work and go home sleep. I wish Mitch is here to talk to me. He knows how to lit up the candle in me.

I was actually thinking of talking to Zach last night because I just want someone to talk to, someone that I feel really comfortable around. I don't know what Zach's feelings towards me, but he is one of the few people that I enjoy being around with. Aside from Yj and Shafiq, I love being around Zach also. But duh, no one beats Mitch. haha. Well, I have to say, Brian is a really nice person and I thought I had fun whenever he is around. I spent a one on one time with him on Monday for about an hour and I thought it was interesting and comfortable. Anyways, back to my real point here, I was going to go home tonight and knock on Zach's door, but he wont be home tonight so I guess I'll see him tomorrow. Ohh, tomorrow is Thursday night and I guess I won't be home till 2 or 3 am. Great. Forget about the talk with Zach I guess.

All I wanna do after work is go home, eat my dinner, take a good rest, and face a hell of a day tomorrow. =) peace

My Stupid Decisions

And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong, when im standing in the dark i'll still believe, that someone's watching over me..Oh well, its just a short sentence from a song. I was just listening to it as soon as I started posting this entry. I mean, as long as I believe, it will come back eventually. So yea, Mitchell is back in my life and I am happy again. =) lets hope this last forever. I am going to be a completely different person from last time. Be a better person now and take all the faults and wrongs happened in the past as lessons and study them wisely. I am going to do that and this time better be good. =D

Never Be The Same

We got off on the same page and things were going so smoothly for both of us. You and I share the same taste of music, similar hobby, and we even have the same views on political titles. Unlike Austin and I, we most probably got off the foot because of our artistic differences. But hey, you and I have so much in common. We used to hang out all the time, we would stay up till 6am talking about life and shit and stuff that we somehow cannot share with anyone else. We used to be gym buddies and you would text me sometimes and ask if I am free to go to the gym or even write on my facebook wall or picture just for fun. we used to text each other whenever we're free and we also used to goof around the house whenever we have nothing else better to do. You would come up to me sometimes and tell me about your day and funny things that happened as your day progressed and you also used to ask me if I'm free so we can go out fro grocery shopping or stuff like that.

But look where we are now. It's just a weekend and we stopped talking to each other already. I thought things can be better if I put some effort into our friendship in order for things to work out between us. But why are things so different now. We don't look at each other anymore, you don't reply my messages anymore, you never asked me out for gym anymore, and you never talk to me anymore. What is this? There is definitely a stranger in our lives. So what is it that caused this awkwardness between us? I tried to figure this shit out for a couple of days already but for some reason, I am totally clueless this time. I can never tell what are you thinking right now, and if I could, i really want things to be fine between us.

You used to just walk into my room and goof around, or at least talk to me sometimes. You told me before that you never wanted an awkwardness between us as we have to see each other everyday for the rest of the year. So what is it now that makes you wanna stop talking to me. Have I done something wrong, or said something that I shouldn't say? See, that is my problem, I will never knew what i've done wrong and the only thing that I can do is sit down and wonder all day long, what went wrong like a retard. Counting question marks above my head, reading curves that can never be counted.

So, would you still wanna be my friend? I guess not, cos everything had change. Nothing can even be the same between us. You tore down the wall I built, and now I'm forced to build the wall up again. I don't know when you would even wanna tear this wall down again this time, or maybe you already given up tearing down the wall. Maybe you didn't care for me enough and that is why you given this up so quickly. Or maybe its just me. Ya, maybe it is just me, me and the stubborn in me. My buttheadness had caused me so many unwanted events, feelings and incident. But I can't never help myself, I need someone to catch me when I fall. I am weak, I am not as strong as what they think I am. I always look happy and fine from the outside and because of Mitchell, things had change and I really don't want to feel this way. This man has caused me a me. I lost myself, and now, I am losing my friends. One by one they are driven away from my life and I want them back. I know in order to get them back into my life, I have to be strong and put more effort in to things that I intend to do to make things work.

Will I ever succeed? Will I even get what I want? and my most important question is, can we be like how we used to be again? I don't if things can ever be the same. I guess not..

Empty Minded

When you have nothing in your head. You tend to think about something unnecessary. I am that kind of person. About a week ago, I have nothing in my head every time I am not doing anything. Then his face will haunt me down. About a week ago, his face did not hunt me at all because my head is dealing with something extremely serious that caused life or death. Not really but it was big. You heard me. Now the trouble has slowly flown away, then he is back in the picture. There was already a few times I tried to pull my off the computer screen before I send him a long ass message about how I miss him or how he cheated on me.

After a few attempts, I finally failed to stop myself from doing this necessary activity. I sent him a message saying that I missed hanging out with him and blah blah blah.. Not an essay, just a sentence. I swear it is just a sentence. So here it goes again.. The feeling of waiting for someone's reply for forever. 2 days feels like 2 decades. Thing is, I can wait forever. Problem is during the process of waiting. My hair will probably fall off my head, blisters on my lips and wrinkles around my face. Who knows I might be coughing blood too. That would be interesting.

So as of now, yes, I miss Mitchell..