Just Another Day in Suburbia

So this weekend didn't turn out to be as hectic as I thought but I know that the upcoming weeks are going to be terrible. I finished all my projects and assignments that are due this week so I don't have to worry about not finishing them on time. I really wanted to relax and have a good time this weekend so I guess it wasn't that bad at all. After editing my film on thursday, I got home, Zach and Austin were pissed drunk. Zach told me that I have to catch up but I think its pretty impossible, all the bottles were almost gone. So what's left for me.

So all I've got is orange juice with a little bit of alcohol, and that got me no where. All I did that night was sitting down on the counter, listening to how Austin adores me, and how Zach loves me. They both went on and on for almost an hour how much they love me, and I was harassed by them all night. They were having their manly arms around my shoulder, rubbing my head with their knuckles, hugging me nonstop, yea, that was pretty uncomfortable, even though for a half man like me. But yea, if they din't do that last night, I won't know how Austin felt about living with me for almost a year and half now. He always had my back, he always stood up for me, help me out with things that a foreigner can't handle in the states, etc and etc. Frankly speaking, Austin is the first person I met in the United States. The very first person I knew. We have no problem with each other and that is why until today, we're still living under the same roof.

Ok, here's the weird part. I know I shouldn't say this but I felt like an idiot. Like a total idiot. If this feelings gotten worse, I'm gonna kill myself. I don't know why, for some ridiculous reason, when Zach told me that he is going out with this girl that he met at the Chips house names Lauren, Laura? Lauree? Whatever her name is; I was subconsciously jealous. What the fuck?! I know~!! I am not supposed to feel this way. That is fucking weird. I was convinced that I love Zach as much as I love Austin, as much as I love Shafiq and YJ and I swear the person that I would give up my life completely for is Mitch. But Zach, I don't know why. From the day I knew he was texting with the bitch nonstop, I can't help but having incredibly green eyes. I swear I have no feelings for Zach and I only like him as a friend I swear. Thing is, I don't know why I'm feeling like this and I actually care about who is he seeing and tonight, he is going out with that bitch. Oh no, I don't know why am I calling her a bitch but I guess its just something I gotta let it out. I am trying my best not to feel this way, and I actually encourage Zach and give him confidence for tonight's game. Zach, I love you, and i will always do. You are my real friend, a friend who always be there for me whenever I need someone. I believe whatever feelings i'm having towards you are just a protective friend who doesn't want you to do the same wrong thing you did, and I actually let you down the last time. So i guess this is just whatever Im doing so that I won't let you down again, and stop you from doing something that's way out of your character. I love you Zach.. You're a good friend.. =)

Moving on, Mitchell, oh ya.. Its him again. How couldn't be less than any of his businesses but still, he is Mitchell. Mitchell James Ashcroft has it all. so yea, fml. He wanted to hang out today, but I got work till 7. If i know he wants to hang out in the afternoon, I would have not be at work and just stay home and hang out with him. He said he also don't mind hanging out tonight but I guess that's just a hear-say. I don't even think that he'll remember to call me today. I texted him about the basketball game tonight that I probably wanna go, but I haven't gotten any respond back from him yet. Maybe no yet, maybe just "yet-less." He probably forgot me already by now.

Why Mitch, why can't you just take me seriously for once? Just once? That's all I'm asking for. I would give you my kidney with your name printed on it if you asked. I am not asking you to do the same for me, but all im asking for is just treat me better like a friend does to others. It's simple and its not hard at all. Whenever when you're around, you are really nice to me and whenever you're not around, things feel so hard and uneasy between us. Let me tell you something, the only way we can make things better is to hang out and talk more. Communication is very important between us and tell me how many time we stopped talking to each other because of lack of communication between us. Work from there Mitch. Pls... That's all im asking for.. Or is that too much im asking for? I don't know.. I really don't know

This Year That Time

So that time has come. A period of time that I do not really like. Its November and I really dislike the weather. Day turns night at 4pm and I can hardly see the sunshine. Result of not having much sunlight, my good old friend that I met last night came back for a visit, his name is S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

I've been sleeping a lot lately and when the night falls, I can't sleep. This happens all the time. Not only I can't sleep, I have many things running through my head and it feels like my brain is flooded by unnecessary thoughts. There are so many things running through my head: friends back in Malaysia, my high school time, my future my career, food, college projects, what about my next semester, friends here, Mitchell (duh), work, MASA, and etc.. They come and go and when thoughts ran out, they will start all over again from the top, and my night goes on.

Yesterday I missed all my classes (like I don't do that often), but I went to work at least. I got a surprise visit =D Mitch was there and I actually skipped like half an hour of work just to hang out with him. Oh, I didn't know that time was just flowing away that fast whenever he is around. I swear the time we were hanging out by the computer was just 5 mins. But when I look at the time, it was half an hour later so I rushed back to work. Then, he came to my work place and we were hanging out till like 8 or 9pm. We were just talking about our weekends, and our plan to go chill sometime this week. Thing is, I always just listen to whatever he proposed because if I said "whatever, you always bailed out on me," then we'll have real tension right there. It happens all the time. Oh well, really, whatever.

But really, I love spending my time with Mitch. He brighten up my day and the pain just go away whenever I see him, or talk to him, or hanging out with him, or even just by texting each other. I slept at 4 am last night and I woke up 3 hours after that because I got class at 8am. Now its 5pm and Im still at work. I can't wait to get outta work and go home sleep. I wish Mitch is here to talk to me. He knows how to lit up the candle in me.

I was actually thinking of talking to Zach last night because I just want someone to talk to, someone that I feel really comfortable around. I don't know what Zach's feelings towards me, but he is one of the few people that I enjoy being around with. Aside from Yj and Shafiq, I love being around Zach also. But duh, no one beats Mitch. haha. Well, I have to say, Brian is a really nice person and I thought I had fun whenever he is around. I spent a one on one time with him on Monday for about an hour and I thought it was interesting and comfortable. Anyways, back to my real point here, I was going to go home tonight and knock on Zach's door, but he wont be home tonight so I guess I'll see him tomorrow. Ohh, tomorrow is Thursday night and I guess I won't be home till 2 or 3 am. Great. Forget about the talk with Zach I guess.

All I wanna do after work is go home, eat my dinner, take a good rest, and face a hell of a day tomorrow. =) peace

My Stupid Decisions

And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong, when im standing in the dark i'll still believe, that someone's watching over me..Oh well, its just a short sentence from a song. I was just listening to it as soon as I started posting this entry. I mean, as long as I believe, it will come back eventually. So yea, Mitchell is back in my life and I am happy again. =) lets hope this last forever. I am going to be a completely different person from last time. Be a better person now and take all the faults and wrongs happened in the past as lessons and study them wisely. I am going to do that and this time better be good. =D

Never Be The Same

We got off on the same page and things were going so smoothly for both of us. You and I share the same taste of music, similar hobby, and we even have the same views on political titles. Unlike Austin and I, we most probably got off the foot because of our artistic differences. But hey, you and I have so much in common. We used to hang out all the time, we would stay up till 6am talking about life and shit and stuff that we somehow cannot share with anyone else. We used to be gym buddies and you would text me sometimes and ask if I am free to go to the gym or even write on my facebook wall or picture just for fun. we used to text each other whenever we're free and we also used to goof around the house whenever we have nothing else better to do. You would come up to me sometimes and tell me about your day and funny things that happened as your day progressed and you also used to ask me if I'm free so we can go out fro grocery shopping or stuff like that.

But look where we are now. It's just a weekend and we stopped talking to each other already. I thought things can be better if I put some effort into our friendship in order for things to work out between us. But why are things so different now. We don't look at each other anymore, you don't reply my messages anymore, you never asked me out for gym anymore, and you never talk to me anymore. What is this? There is definitely a stranger in our lives. So what is it that caused this awkwardness between us? I tried to figure this shit out for a couple of days already but for some reason, I am totally clueless this time. I can never tell what are you thinking right now, and if I could, i really want things to be fine between us.

You used to just walk into my room and goof around, or at least talk to me sometimes. You told me before that you never wanted an awkwardness between us as we have to see each other everyday for the rest of the year. So what is it now that makes you wanna stop talking to me. Have I done something wrong, or said something that I shouldn't say? See, that is my problem, I will never knew what i've done wrong and the only thing that I can do is sit down and wonder all day long, what went wrong like a retard. Counting question marks above my head, reading curves that can never be counted.

So, would you still wanna be my friend? I guess not, cos everything had change. Nothing can even be the same between us. You tore down the wall I built, and now I'm forced to build the wall up again. I don't know when you would even wanna tear this wall down again this time, or maybe you already given up tearing down the wall. Maybe you didn't care for me enough and that is why you given this up so quickly. Or maybe its just me. Ya, maybe it is just me, me and the stubborn in me. My buttheadness had caused me so many unwanted events, feelings and incident. But I can't never help myself, I need someone to catch me when I fall. I am weak, I am not as strong as what they think I am. I always look happy and fine from the outside and because of Mitchell, things had change and I really don't want to feel this way. This man has caused me a me. I lost myself, and now, I am losing my friends. One by one they are driven away from my life and I want them back. I know in order to get them back into my life, I have to be strong and put more effort in to things that I intend to do to make things work.

Will I ever succeed? Will I even get what I want? and my most important question is, can we be like how we used to be again? I don't if things can ever be the same. I guess not..

Empty Minded

When you have nothing in your head. You tend to think about something unnecessary. I am that kind of person. About a week ago, I have nothing in my head every time I am not doing anything. Then his face will haunt me down. About a week ago, his face did not hunt me at all because my head is dealing with something extremely serious that caused life or death. Not really but it was big. You heard me. Now the trouble has slowly flown away, then he is back in the picture. There was already a few times I tried to pull my off the computer screen before I send him a long ass message about how I miss him or how he cheated on me.

After a few attempts, I finally failed to stop myself from doing this necessary activity. I sent him a message saying that I missed hanging out with him and blah blah blah.. Not an essay, just a sentence. I swear it is just a sentence. So here it goes again.. The feeling of waiting for someone's reply for forever. 2 days feels like 2 decades. Thing is, I can wait forever. Problem is during the process of waiting. My hair will probably fall off my head, blisters on my lips and wrinkles around my face. Who knows I might be coughing blood too. That would be interesting.

So as of now, yes, I miss Mitchell..

If You Build It, They Will Come....

Anyone seen the movie Field of Dreams? It starred Keven Costner and the whole movie was shot in Buffalo. Honestly speaking, I haven't seen that movie either. Haha, that movie was released like 20 years ago, and back then, I don't know if I have any vision to watch or remember any of the sequences from that movie.

But one thing I know about the movie is its famous quote - if you build it, they will come. This famous quote was brought on and on in media culture until today. Shows like Friends, How I met You Mother, and even Family Guy are quoting the line from the movie. It is really funny. I like this quote because it depends on how you look at it. Some people use it for connection purpose. Some other people would use it for business purposes. I personally view it as a personal excuse.

What do I mean by personal excuse. Think about, if you build it, they will come = if you put much effort in whatever you are planning on, the outcome is up for you to decide.

Last night, I forced Mike into my room and talked to him. Austin and Zach have been complaining a lot about Mike and they actually planning to do something about it already. Before they get to anything to Mike, I decided to talk to Mike first before they decide to do anything stupid. First of all, I like Mike, he is a really nice guy and a pretty decent roommate. The only problem is, he is from the city - obnoxious, loud and restless. I don't know if you ever met a New Yorker before but most of them are pretty much rude, inconsiderate and douchy. Because of that kind of attitude, it gets off Austin and Zach's nerve. Mike had been really noisy, loud and inconsiderate. Aside from that, he is really. So I though I'd sit him doen and talk to him.

Surprisingly, it went really really well. He took all the shit in and he said that he will try his best to be more considerate. He was being really up front about everything. At first, he is trying to blame it on Annie, but in the end, he admitted to me that he is the one who started everything. As long as he is willing to be upfront about everything, I am willing to put my effort to make him a better person and get to know him more. Thing is, I am not sure what else more I can know about Mike. He is all that basically. A half New Yorker, plus a playful ten year kid. You have no idea how childish he can be sometimes, or shall I say all the time. He is really funny, acting like a small kid,and nice to play with sometimes. So I hope that the talk that I had with him yesterday can really the way he acts in the house. Like I said, if I want to live in a peaceful house, I have to put some effort and make some move, like how Zach Austin did for me. It is time for me to do something in return. They have problem, then I'll try to fix. You could do the same too. =D

So Are We Good?

I'm not so sure about that. It is hard for me to accept this person as a real friend of mine. I tried my best but there is seriously nothing coming out in my head whenever we tried to talk to each. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. But the thing is, I don't care. It is not my problem at all whether I am trying to put this friendship back on the table. At least not for now.

She waited for my the other for my shift to be over. She needed to talk so I talked to her. But earlier that day, I sent her a long ass email about why am I being mad. So we talked and talked, but I am not sure if she is sincere enough or not. Thing is, I can sense it whenever someone is lying, especially when it comes to this kind of talk - where you sit the person down and talk to that person into his or her eyes. There is definitely some tickle going on in my while I was having the conversation with her. Meaning to say, somewhere between her words, she is still trying cover up or lie about something. No, I don't really care anymore if she lying or not. I'm through with whatever she is done and the trust thing just does not come back so easily for me. I have been hurt by really close friends so many times and I never learned my lesson. I do not see things coming until they hit me in my face. Then slowly, things started to change because the trust thing in me doesn't come naturally anymore. I make friends very easily but the trust thing just isn't there. Plus I am here in America and its even harder. But at least I know some other friends who care. I'm good with that and I couldn't ask for more.

So when the person ask where are we now, I really don't know how to answer that. My only reaction is saying I don't know. See how it goes. This is the beauty of "I don't know." I remember how I used to have this friend who kept saying I don't know like ten times in a sentence. When I say that, I mean it. She really used I don't know at least ten times in every of her sentences. For eg. "I don't know if I should call him back because he doesn't call me for awhile i really, ahh, i don't know, i really don't know what i should, i don't what is he thinking and i really don't know why is he acting like this, omg I dont know lar.." That is fucking annoying.. Ughh.. So I guess this is a good to to annoy people I guess. haha.